Angels
by mishaoverlord
Summary: Dean considers his relationship with Castiel during the war in heaven. Some mild angst and a lot of fluff. Dean/Cas.


A/N: This is a song!fic for Angels by The XX. It's a really beautiful song and whenever I listen to it, I automatically think of Dean and Cas. I would recommend it :)

Disclaimer: I **do not** own any rights to these characters, the show, or the song.

x

_Light reflects from your shadow_

When Castiel is in the room; Dean can feel him. As cliché at it sounds, it really is like having an angel on his shoulder. That person who is always on your mind without you even realising it, that's Castiel, except he's also in the room without you realising it. He comes in and Dean drops everything. He comes in with bad news but it doesn't seem to matter because he's here and he's alive and he's – for the time being – safe with Dean. Castiel can appear out of thin air, declare that heaven is currently in the midst of a civil war, and then disappear before Dean even has time to take a breath, but you can guarantee he has a fucking smile on his face. And Dean doesn't even know how to put words to it, he doesn't know if he wants too.

_It is more than I thought could exist_

Dean was more than sure that Cas was going to be trouble. No one ever pulled someone out of hell just to be kind, the only reason we do anything in this life is so that we can gain from it. Angel or no angel, Castiel was no exception. He wanted something from Dean; there is always a price on freedom. Now, Dean doesn't care. Castiel has a job to do in the same way that Dean has a job to do in the same way that demons have a job to do, so yeah, they use each other. But it's more, too. It's a friendship Dean has never had before. Sam has always been his friend, his _only_ friend, and that was because they were family and they didn't have a choice. Castiel _did_ have a choice, and he choose to be friends with Dean, choose to rebel for him.

_You move through the room  
Like breathing was easy_

The first time it happened, Dean used the excuse of 'you can't die without ever having being kissed, Cas.' But Cas disagreed, said that he wouldn't gain anything from it because he couldn't feel anything on the inside. Dean promised to feel enough for both of them. It was awkward and quick and Dean was hoping for a bit more but Castiel pulled away, straight faced and a little flustered.

Dean doesn't know at what point things changed, but now it's Cas who initiates the kissing. Pressing Dean against a wall, he always comes away breathless and shy and smiling. Dean wonders if it's just for his benefit that Castiel does all of this, because they both know Castiel can't _feel_ it, so why bother pretending? Dean forces himself to smile back and acts like this isn't killing him inside.

_If someone believed me_

Dean thinks that if he can just get someone to listen, then they would tell him that he isn't crazy. Surely, if someone else knew what Cas was like, saw the acts of innocence and naivety, then they would feel the same way Dean does. There's no way anybody could know this side of Castiel and not feel something for him. The way he doesn't care about fitting in but does it anyway to please Dean. The way he so badly wants to talk to Dean that he sometimes forgets to breathe. The way he tries really hard to make Dean laugh even though he doesn't understand his own joke.

Dean knows that Castiel would love to be human. At first, Castiel didn't care, in fact, he expressed his opinion that he would rather _not_ be human, but things have changed and he knows now what he's missing out on, and now Castiel looks at Dean with so many different kinds of longing that Dean doesn't know which one to grab at. Dean wishes more than anything he could give him that.

_They would be  
As in love with you as I am_

So Dean just follows his gut. He thinks 'screw the world' because really, the world has already fucked him over enough times. His whole life he's been told what to do and what not to do and what is right and what is wrong, but now too much has happened, too many times when the good turned out to be bad and the right turned out to be wrong. He doesn't _listen _anymore, he doesn't even tell Sammy, or Bobby, or anybody. He just lets it happen. He falls in love and doesn't tell a soul. Somewhere in Dean's mind, he thinks that maybe Cas already knows.

_And every day  
I am learning about you_

Dean likes the way that Castiel stares at him across the room. He's constantly amazed by Dean, even when he's not _doing_ anything. Dean can be in the middle of a conversation with Sam and Bobby and out of nowhere, Cas will appear next to him. He doesn't come with any news, or anything important to say, he just comes so he can smile at Dean and say hello and then leave again. Sam eventually starts to get irritated by it, but Dean doesn't care. It makes him smile, knowing that Cas is thinking about him when they're not together.

_The things that no one else sees_

There are lots of things that Sam doesn't know about Cas, things that _no one _knows about Cas. No one except Dean. Sam doesn't know how badly Cas wants to be human, Sam doesn't know how much Cas wants to have a family, a _real_ family, and Sam certainly doesn't know how sensitive Castiel can be in the bedroom. Dean happens to find this out one day when he's in bed treating himself to some alone time. Cas still hasn't grasped the concept of knock-before-you-enter and appears next to Dean's bed just as Dean reaches his climax. Somehow, this isn't as awkward as what Dean had imagined it would be, Castiel simply stares at him and says he would like to try that someday, and also that he forgot what he had come to say. Dean somehow finds himself pulling Cas on top of him, tugging at the trench coat which smells like Cas and feels like Cas and wow, Dean is _in_ _love_.

_And the end comes too soon_

It was always going to happen, they both knew it. They were never going to avoid their fate, and Dean curses himself, because he really should have known better. A Winchester should know better than anyone that you can't escape your future. So Dean tries not to let it get to him too much, but there are days when he just doesn't want to get up in the morning, because Cas isn't there beside him anymore. Cas is fighting in a civil war and he just doesn't have the time to visit, to pop down and smile and say hello, and when he does visit, he's distracted and worn out and he never has a lot to say. Eventually, he stops visiting altogether, and Dean goes for weeks without hearing from him. Sam brings it up once in a while, and makes vague suggestions that maybe Cas is... y'know, but Dean doesn't dwell on that thought, he can't.

_Like dreaming of angels_

It's really hard being in love with something that isn't human, but Dean thinks it's really amazing, too. It's like a whole new crossbreed of relationship, and all that lies ahead of them is the unknown. Dean prays to Cas every single night, he asks that Cas keep himself safe, that's all.

When Sam is sleeping across the room and the lights are out, Dean pretends that the sound of Sam's breathing is actually Cas, safely back from war and sleeping next to him. The dreams are just enough to keep him going, it's the only time he gets to see Castiel, and sometimes - if he isn't busy - Cas really does make a brief appearance, and Dean knows it's _real_.

_And leaving without them_

Sam realises things have changed the day Dean bites his fucking head off for suggesting something quite plausible. Heaven is in a civil war and their nukes are a million times more dangerous, and Cas hadn't called by for over a month, so yeah, Sam was just going to put it out there, maybe Cas wasn't going to come back. That was a reality which Dean would have to face if it came to it, and Sam really believed that he would eventually get over it; the Winchesters were more than used to losing people.

The look on Dean's face said otherwise.

They were eating pizza in the motel and they were talking about heaven and Cas and yeah, Sam made an offhand comment about Cas maybe not coming back, and Dean just fucking lost it.

Sam ended up scrubbing the pizza off the walls after Dean had grabbed his coat and left.

_And with words unspoken_

Dean stops the car halfway down the road. It's late and no one is around, so he kills the engine and gets out. The sky is clear again, and Dean finds himself tracing images into the stars. He wonders if heaven is up there, whether it's further away than all the stars or closer, whether you can see down onto Earth from there, whether Cas is okay. He doesn't let his mind wonder for too long because he knows he'll just end up hitting something, so he swallows down his frustration and opens his mouth to begin tonight's prayer, but nothing comes out. There's nothing he hasn't already said, nothing he hasn't already asked for. Cas knows that Dean is waiting for him, and there's nothing else Dean can do now.

_A silent devotion__  
_  
It's night time when it happens. Dean is asleep and Sam is asleep and everything is very quiet and still. It's something past 3 and they've both had a late night at the bar, so Dean fell asleep the moment he hit the bed. He's dreaming about an empty cage and animals running freely around a rescue center, and then suddenly Cas is there, a little worse for wear and telling him to _wake up!_

_I know you know what I mean__  
_  
Dean wakes up and struggles for breath because Castiel is stood next to his bed and he's okay and he's alive and he's _here_. After all this time, he's finally here. Dean has the biggest grin on his face and he gets up and throws himself at Cas, and Cas hugs him back straight away and buries his face into Dean's neck. They take a few minutes to part, and Dean refuses to move more than a meter away, but apparently Cas is okay with that because he's smiling and he's telling Dean that he asked Sam to go for a walk so they could have a few minutes together. Dean tries not to look so excited because he knows this could just be a one-off visit, and that the angel might actually have to go back soon.

"I'm back," Castiel says, and he bites his bottom lip as he smiles. "I'm back for good."

_And the end is unknown_

Dean can feel himself crying, and he just can't stop. Cas sits him down on the bed whilst Dean cries it out, finally letting out all of the emotion he'd been bottling up over the past month. Cas strokes his hair and holds his hand.

"I wanted to come back every day," Castiel explains, "but I couldn't risk it, I didn't want anybody to use you against me, I had to protect you, Dean."

Dean nods, and he understands.

"I could see you, and I could hear you praying to me, and it... Dean, it made me _feel_ things. I don't know how, but when I'm around you I get... I think I have emotions, it makes me want to come back for more, and I like being with you, and I like being close to you, and I like it when you kiss me."

Dean looks Castiel in the eye. He knows he means this, he knows Cas can really feel something, because he's been showing it ever since they started doing things together. He knows that Cas is happy, and that he is happy himself, and that he really wants this to last. So he reaches over and kisses the angel gently on the lips, and his angel kisses him back. And he thinks that maybe this will work, maybe this thing that they have can continue, and maybe Cas will have to go again sometimes, but he will always come back, and Dean will always be waiting.

_But I think I'm ready  
As long as you're with me._


End file.
